After all that
by Lotten
Summary: Even after having faced so many nameless terrors, the spiring love between Merry and Pippin frightenes them both a little. Weird oneshot. Slash.


**A/N: **Just a weird shortstory taking place sometime after the last battle, but before the hobbits return to the Shire. So, in Gondor, I suppose. Memoryfail. Factfail also, I realised the moment I had posted this XP For some reason I got it into my head that Faramir was present at the bloody last battle, which of course he wasn't. He was still in his sickbed. And he didn't meet Eowyn until after the troops marched off. So it was only one man that Eowyn cared for that marched off, unless she was having a secret fling with Gimli. Well, screw it, you can't always be canon compliant. I might rewrite it if I have the time, but not now. Sorry :D

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**After all that**

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Merry had developed a habit of disappearing every evening after supper, and it wasn't until after a week that Pippin finally managed to ferret out where he was hiding. When he finally found him, he hesitated only for a moment before joining his friend on the grassy slope overlooking the park. Yet as he did, he noticed Merry's lips tightening somewhat, his shoulders tensing, and sighed quietly.

"You're still mad at me." It wasn't a question, yet Merry still replied by nodding imperceptibly. Pippin nodded in return, starting to fiddle with a blade of grass. "I thought so. Not that I do blame you, mind. It must've been awful, being left behind like that, even if you _were _wounded." Shyly, he reached out a hand and touched Merry's arm – the arm that had been injured – and while his friend at first stiffened to the touch, he relaxed moments later, and finally looked up to meet Pippin's eye.

"We've faced almost all of the horrors that Middle Earth has to offer," Merry said softly, and his eyes were darkened by the memory of despair. "Hobbit-eating trees, ghosts, orcs and trolls. That terrible monster in the lake outside Moria, and Moria itself, in all its horror, with the Balrog lurking in the depths. We saw Gandalf fall. We were wretched close to being the victims of Sauroman's evil. We saw the darkness of that cursed Ring eat away the soul of one of our most dear friends; we saw Boromir die because of what it did to him. And – worse than anything, save Sauron and the Ring – we've faced the Dark Riders, the Nazgûl…" His voice died away; he was overwhelmed, and _his_ hand too went to the sword's arm which the evil of the Nazgûl had corrupted. It met Pippin's, and he grabbed it hard and held on tight as he went on speaking, gazing solemnly into the eyes of his friend. "But nothing, not even seeing dear Frodo falter under the weight of that Ring, not even the very moment I stabbed the Nazgûl, not even watching… watching Théoden die…" Here, his eyes misted over. "Nothing, of all the horrors I've seen, was worse than standing on the battlements of Minas Tirith and watching everyone – watching _you_ – march away from me, knowing I might never see you again."

"But it went well, did it not?" Pippin said, trying to sound cheerful even though his eyes were burning. "We all made it."

"True," Merry replied wryly. "But only barely, Pippin. The way Sam tells it, it might all have been in vain if it wasn't for that wretched creature, Gollum. And _you_ had to be dragged out from under a troll; don't think I have forgotten." He let go of Pippin's hand, his fingers travelling slowly up the arm of his friend to finally rest firmly on his chest. Pippin felt his pulse quicken, and tried to hide his blush as well as the tears filling his eyes by ducking his head. "And what if you had died? What if I had lost you? Do you really think it would have mattered to me that Frodo succeeded, if I never got to see you again?"

"I am sorry," Pippin murmured. "But I had to, you know that. Just as much as you had to ride out with the Men of Rohan, even though it meant that _I_ almost lost _you._"

"I know. If only I hadn't been left behind! It is a terrible thing, to have to wait and do nothing. It almost drove the Lady Eowyn mad, and I didn't feel much better."

"Yes, well, _both_ the men she loved marched away from her," Pippin said, shaking his head. "It must have torn her heart apart."

Merry smiled sadly. "Well, while I have to confess that there is only _one_ hobbit _I _love, it nonetheless cleaved _my_ heart in twain to see you go."

To this Pippin did not answer, but his cheeks colored and he looked away, fretful and anxious. Merry's smile slowly died, and he took back his hand, clenching it tightly as he shoved it into his pocket. "I'm sorry, Pip," he said, his voice strained. "I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just thought… after all that's happened, and… and that kiss in Fangorn Forest… I suppose I misunderstood. I apologize."

He made to stand up, but Pippin grabbed him hastily by the shoulder, holding him fast. "Oh, Merry, no, please don't go," he pleaded hurriedly. "I'm sorry if I acted in a manner that was hurtful to you, I truly am."

Merry slowly sat back down again, puzzlement as well as the residue of wounded feelings apparent on his face. "Fine then, I won't go. But I still do not understand. Did my confession make you uncomfortable; was it unwanted? I swear I will not speak of it again if that is so, but then I beg you to let me go. I'll need to be alone for a while."

Pippin was silent for a long while, Merry waiting in dread by his side. When he finally spoke, it was in barely more than a whisper. "Sam said that when he was in Mordor, there were only two thoughts that sustained him. The knowledge that he was doing it for Frodo, and the hope that he could one day return to the Shire. And that's what we've all thought, isn't it? The four of us, I mean. That we needed to survive it all, somehow, so that we could return home. That everything would be fine, once we returned the Shire. But I'm not sure that is true."

He fell quiet for a while again, his gaze strayed over a sky that twilight had painted in cerise and gold, and the wealth of color was reflected in his eyes. "I mean, we've seen so much! We are all so different. Or maybe not different, but we know who we are now, and what we are, and it has very little to do with the people our families and friends back home thought we were." He turned to smile at Merry, who was looking confused and troubled, obviously at a loss as to what this had to do with his confession of love. "And now I am afraid, Merry. After having fought in battle for the freedom of Middle Earth, after having at one point being looked at by Sauron himself, I am _afraid_! Afraid of going back home, to the Shire, to the family and friends that I love. Because that will mean that I will have to stand in front of my father the Thain and tell him that I've fallen in love, not with a girl, but with my best friend, my cousin, Meriadoc Brandybuck! It's enough to make my heart shrink with terror, to go home and have to publically disgrace myself like that; to estrange myself from my whole family! But it is something I will have to do, because how could I not? More than once I have thought I might lose you, as great and terrible perils have threatened us, and every time so far we have pulled through! I cannot imagine having gone through all of that only to have you taken away from me by the silly conventions of our, when all is said and done, rather small and insignificant home. Can you?"

Merry sat block still, his eyes wide with wonderment. "So you are saying that you love me?" he finally managed.

"Yes, of course I love you!" Pippin cried, and then laughed at his cousin's astonishment. "You silly hobbit! After all we've been through for the sake of one another, can you honestly say that you doubted that."

Merry burst out laughing too, and then lunged forward, pinning Pippin – who was still somewhat shorted and skinnier than him – to the ground. "Well, I hardly knew what to think, did I?" he said, smirking at Pippin's half-hearted efforts to get loose. "First you shie away from me like some maiden in distress, and then you give me this long speech, as if it was your birthday, showering me in words until I hardly know arsehole from breakfast anymore! For all I know, I could just have made that kiss up, and you might have felt nothing than what is respectable and right for a young hobbit to feel toward his cousin." Having said this, he did something that was neither respectable nor right, at least according to hobbit conventions; he kissed Pippin full on the mouth, reveling in the fact that he was at last free to do this without any fear.

Pippin kissed him back most enthusiastically, and for a while they did nothing else. Then, as dusk was turning the small park into a dark, chilly cave, they finally drew away from each other, getting to their feet and starting to walk towards their accommodations. As they went inside, their arms slung around each other's waists, their hair mussed and decorated by grass, they saw Gandalf smiling into his beard, his eyes dancing merrily as he watched them, and Legolas and Gimli both burst out laughing. Aragorn touched the arm of Lady Arwen, and they both smiled warmly in unison. Lady Eowyn, in a most unladylike manner, winked at Merry, surprising Faramir into laughter. But Frodo and Sam, who sat close together, their foreheads almost touching, looked up and gave them both a look of deep understanding, and of selfless joy for their friends.

And in that moment, fear took wing from Pippin's heart, fluttering away into the night and melting into nothing in the glow of the first, faint stars. The Shire was waiting for them, and they were ready for it, even if it might not be ready for them.


End file.
